i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
