Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
