watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
