Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
