you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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