You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
