I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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