I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
