totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
