I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
