Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
