one two three fourrrrnication!
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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