I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
