I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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