dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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