I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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