Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
