Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
