Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
