I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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