Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize