WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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