I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
