i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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