apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
