I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
