You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
