Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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