well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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