yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
