Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
