he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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