Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
organizing the empties. That sober.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
