So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Randomize
