My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
