So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
