I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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