I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
