Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
