i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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