I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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