why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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