Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She even gives head with a lisp.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
