Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So squirting runs in the family.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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