yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
