Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
