oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
