I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
