I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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