Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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