I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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