Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
