he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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