I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
