We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
