your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
did i walk over a car last night?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
