So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
