Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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