She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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