so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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